01 January 2009

No blues (oh, and Welcome 2009)

For some people it’s the fall, when everything in and out seems grey and misty. And once the Christmas season starts it is getting better. Lights and candles and all the excitement draw you away from sad thoughts.
Well for me it’s after Christmas. Once all gifts are opened and all the cheerfulness is behind me I am getting low. The climax is usually the New Years Eve. All this talk about where everyone is going and what they what to do for these few minutes that basically change nothing but the last digit of the dates is annoying and depressing. There seems to be this urge to do something spectacular on that eve.
I usually don’t and fell like I am left out and on my own. I feel lonely between Christmas and New Years. And defiantly it is lonely in a crowd, as I have never in my life actually been more then a few days all by my self. I fear the coming of the next year. I am afraid I wasted time in the last and that the new will not be any better. I am afraid nothing will change, I will not change, and that the time I am giving is not used. I know all along that this is not the whole truth, but it is hard to tell yourself how to feel about something.
I struggle with self-pity in-between the years (how we call that time in German). I am by now used to these feelings and not shocked when they come.

Well, after I said this I am really happy to announce that I just enjoyed these last few days and New Years Eve and am so much looking forward to 2009. It was amazing to celebrate Christmas, to go to church, to meet friends, to meet relatives. I know I wasted time these last few days, but I wasted it by spending time with people that are dear to me. I still have to work a lot on my thesis and it will be hard work in the next weeks, but I am happy. No sad thoughts, no putting down blame on me that is not true, no lonely or left out feelings (though I am actually missing out on time with my family while sitting all by my self in front of my pc), no self-pity, no blues. I think someone is really looking out for me.
And I am SOOOOOO EXCITED for 2009 to come! It really is nothing in particular, just a general feeling of expecting good things, things that will be worth while and meaningful. I know they will come during this year. So Welcome 2009!

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