21 June 2009

ups and downs

Life is diffrent. A lot has changed and I think I am only slowly realizing some of these changes. Change is not bad, I usually prefer changes over things staying the same, but changes that you are not aware of take some time to adjust to. And this adjusting time brings ups and downs with it.
Yesterday was definiatly a up day. Went shopping and got more new cloth in one shop than I have bought in 2009 so far (I guess you can see I not much of a shoppaholic). Met some friends in beautiful Heidelberg - love that city, love my spontanious friends. And spend a nice evening with great food and some talk at a colleagues house.
And then today was a down day again. I felt lonely and got moody and all that. Self pity is a pretty stupid thing, but it´s some times hard to fight against. All trigered by something my friend said (before that the day was fine).

I love my work and during the week I am fine. I am busy during the day and love what I am doing. And in the evenings I have enough to do with shopping and cleaning and cooking and laundry and all that stuff. And there are enough activities in the week usually. But I do not like the weekends that much (strange isn´t it?).
I feel great when I am around people but not when I am by myself. It´s like my life only counts if others are around to notice and all that time by myself is not valuable enough to count. I could get myself a TV or lot´s of books and DVD´d but I do not want to. That would be a real waste of time.
I want my time to count, my life to count. But on days like today it´s hard to find out how.

My solution today was going for a long walk in the rain. It calmed me down. I talked to God and told him. Did not really hear back from him, but I feel better just having told him. Maybe I really just need to give myself more time to get used to the changes.

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